The Resonating Thoughts: The Replay from the Past.

So I wrote this back in October. Its something from my journal and its a rare occurence that something like this is ever shared from journal on such a public avenue, but its something that has been echoing in my thoughts and heart especially lately. Please bare with me as I know that some of my posts aren't as happy or enlightening lately. Just trying to get things out of my head. I hope that maybe this will resonate with someone who may feel the same way. Blessings!

October 25th, 2008

I sit in the darkness feeling the whole world crash down on me. Voices everywhere demading my presence and my obedience. I feel the grips of cold, thin hands pulling me to their desired destination for my life. All of the commotion and noise and yet so alone I feel. The masks I where hide who I am inside showing only what I want the cold hands and shrill voices to see. I give all of them what want while I sit in the dark conrer alone. I only want to be seen, to be heard, but I know the pain that perhaps may follow and allow the complacency I have chosen to overcome me. I become stagnant and numb. Haunted by every choice, every past failure with no one to protect me. I just want someone to hear me and not hurt me; to love me and not leave me. I wan thte arms that will hold and guard without breaking me. I sit here tired and worn with only the dark walls to turn to. Someone hear me. Uncover my eyes and shield me from the fight. Give me a chance to live without doubts and without worries. See me for who I am and love me for that.

Nothing More, Nothing Less: Your Presence and My Sacrifice

On the altar once more. That's where I am at. All of me. Not pieces or parts, but my entire being. In the Holy of Holies, just you and me. No one else allowed in. The rope around my ankle disconnected so that no one can hear or drag me away from you. Behind the curtain where no one can interrupt. With you and you alone. Here. I stand. I lay down the sacrifice, ME. I know that I'm not the best of the flock, young and pure, but rather weak, crippled, darkened by the storms and erosions of life. I know that I'm not the best of them all. I know that I'm filthy, but its what I have. Its the best that I have. The best of my supply. Its all of what I have in my possession. Just you and me here. Alone. Take me Lord! This is yours, me. Nothing more do I have. I lay it all down, undone before you ready to be consumed by your fire. Burn away the chaff, the impurities, the caked on filth that has collected over years of guilt, shame, insecurities, pain, mistakes, lies, failures, selfishness, and disloyalty. Nothing More, Nothing Less do I bring to you my dear father. Nothing more do I have. Please accept this offering. Do with it what you may. Keep me here in your presence. Just you and me. For there is nothing more, and I want nothing less.

For I am Undone!

"Woe is me, for I am undone!

Because I am a man of unclean lips,

And I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips;

For my eyes have seen the King,

The LORD of hosts."

These are the words of Isaiah at the begining of Isaiah 6. "Woe is me, for I am undone!" The cry of so many. The mighty in God to the youngest spiritual person. "Woe is me, for I am undone!" Undone and unclean. Its amazing how much we pale in comparison to the glory of God. Isaiah had just witnessed the praises of the angel of God and was overwhelmed by not only the presence of this angel, but the presence of God that the messenger had brought with him. Its amazing how incredible the presence of God is and the place that it brings us emotionally and spiritually. Often times I find myself in the same place. In life I have either became so high on myself because of what I have done or I have berated myself for things that are out of my control, but when I am in the presence of God I become undone. Truly open to him. My insecurities, my uncleanliness, my doubts, my pride, all laid right out in front of him. My spirit undone before him driving me to a point of tears and surrender. Left on my knees in awe of his splendor and power. Left completely undone in his hands.

The next part of this interaction, the angel comes to Isaiah and touches his lips with a live coal from the altar of God. He then tells Isaiah that he has been purged from his sins and his unclean lips cleansed. This event and those words resonates in my heart as a reminder of the saving power of God. Although this is long before the sacrifice Christ made for mankind, it is a foreshadowing of the grace that all men would have access to. The grace to come in and cleanse us from our transgressions and purge us from our sins; grace that prepares us to bring glory to God as we were created to do. Cleansing us so that when God asks whom shall I send, we can stand before him and proclaim, "here am I, Lord send me!"

This scripture reminds me of the song Take Me In. The words are:

Take me past the outer courts, into the Holy place.

Pass the brazen altar, Lord I long to see you face.

Pass me by the crowds of people and the priests who sing their praise.

I hunger and thirst for your righteousness Lord and its only found one place.

Take me into the Holy of Holies. Take me in by the Blood of the Lamb.

Take me into the Holy of Holies. Take the coal, cleanse my lips, here I am.

Lord, I pray that you bring me into your Holy of Holies. I long to be in your presence. To be undone before you and to be cleansed by the coal from your altar. I pray that you bring me past the outer courts and the distractions that lie around it. I want more than anything else to see past your hands and to look into the eyes of the one who gave me life and who will never let me go.

Amen.